i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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