defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
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We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
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Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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