Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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