So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
