How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
