walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
