Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
