This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
