chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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