i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
