Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
