Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
