Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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