So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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