Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
