you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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