just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
