No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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