I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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