No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
