toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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