Just fell off a train. Bad.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
