Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You ruined the universe
Randomize
