my phone needs a breathalizer
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
