I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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