New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
