you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
