I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
