yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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