Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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