I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
