Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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