I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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