i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
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I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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