oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
