I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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