happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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