forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
