Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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