I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
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Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
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I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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