Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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