so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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