Can i not drive my cunt home
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
