Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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