My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
