Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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