They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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