good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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