i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
