Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just pee around me
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
