Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
