a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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