News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In America we eat man semen.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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