i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
