I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
