Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
