Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
