It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
