I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
