Me. At least after what I've been through.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
