I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
